Leftover High School Mentalities That Can Hinder Your Social Life And Confidence As An Adult

As adults people can have a harder time making friends or feeling confident because they're still hobbled by limiting mindsets they picked up in high school (and to a lesser extent, the earlier grades). There are ways of thinking that can arise in that setting, as a side effect of how it's organized and due to how teenagers tend to see the world. When you're older you can still unconsciously approach social situations as if these ideas still apply, even though they often don't. Of course, some adult spaces can keep the high school vibes alive, like certain universities or large, cliquey workplaces. Overall though, life doesn't operate like it did when you were fifteen.

I realize I paint a somewhat cliched, exaggerated picture of high schools below. I know some of them have kinder, more inclusive cultures than others. However, even in mellower schools these attitudes can still creep in. I also know that not every student believes or spreads these mentalies. It may only be a handful of jerks spouting them, but a few hurtful comments is often all it takes to create a hang-up. Actually, some of these attitudes may not directly come from other students at all. They're assumptions teenagers can arrive at on their own when they're feeling insecure about themselves - "I just know everything thinks such and such about me." Here they are:

"Everyone is aware of me and my reputation"

High schools are closed-off environments with a limited number of students in each grade. Everyone is vaguely aware of what you're up to, or they could find out if they wanted to. Even if you don't want to buy into the hierarchies and status games, you know many students care about their reputations, and that you have a place on the totem pole whether you like it or not.

As an adult you can feel like everyone is still keeping tabs on you. You can feel exposed and ashamed when you do some seemingly pathetic thing that would have cost you social points when you were younger. For example, someone might go to the movies by themselves and worry on some level word will get around and that everyone will make fun of them.

Realistically everyone is much less aware of what you're up to as a grown up, and they're way less inclined to care about or judge what you do with your time. They've got their own lives to live. You still have a reputation as an adult, but it's way less based on stuff like whether you have enough friends or get invited to parties.

Again, I know there are semi-exceptions, like small towns where everyone is up in each other's business.

"You're a massive loser if you have no friends"

When you're in high school it's pretty obvious if you don't have any friends among your fellow students. Everyone can see that you don't hang out with anyone between classes and that you eat lunch by yourself. At that age being friendless can be seen as a huge, embarrassing social failure, and the other kids can be cruel in teasing you about it.

As an adult there's still some stigma around not having friends. However, it's not seen as a giant, humiliating flaw to the degree it is among teenagers. Grown ups aren't nearly as mean as fourteen-year-olds. They're more likely to be understanding or sympathetic if they learn someone is struggling with loneliness. They're aware that sometimes people have periods in their life where their social life is quieter, through no fault of their own (e.g., they outgrow their old circle and have to start fresh).

It's totally understandable if as an adult you're a bit embarrassed and insecure about not having friends, and want to fix that state of affairs. The leftover high school mentality is not in having a problem with it at all, but in still thinking of it as a huge defect that everyone will mercilessly judge you for, rather than something that's not ideal, but which many people will understand.

"You're a loser if you don't have big, exciting social plans every weekend"

In high school you can feel like you'll be marked as a reject if you stay in most weekends. The sense is all the halfway popular, well adjusted kids hang out with a bunch of their friends every Friday or Saturday night without fail, while the losers have to stay home by themselves. Students who don't have much going on can come to dread being asked "What did you do this weekend?" by their classmates.

They can carry this belief and fear with them into adulthood. They think they're sad failures if they're not out on the town with their buddies every weekend. They can become guarded and cagey if their co-workers ask how their weekend was on Monday morning. A part of them thinks they'll be laughed at if they let it slip they stayed in and watched movies.

As an adult everyone is more able to wrap their head around the concept that you can be a worthwhile, likable person and also not have a million things going on every weekend. They get that some people just prefer to stay in, or have interests that don't involve bar hopping every Friday. To be fair, the Busy Social Life = High Status mindset can still persist among university students, but after that it starts to drop away. Once people start working, and then settling down to start families, they really move beyond that kind of simplistic thinking.

"The people at school are my only options for making friends"

In high school it can feel like the pool of other students is your sole option for making friends, and if you can't make it work with them you're out of luck. Now that's not really the case. Teenagers can make friends outside of school through their hobbies, part-time job, neighborhood, and online, to name a few possibilities. However, on an emotional level it can certainly feel true that your fellow students are all you've got to choose from. You spend so much time at school it can feel like your entire social world.

As an adult you can unintentionally slip into thinking the same way, by assuming you can only make friends at places like your job. You can feel needlessly anxious as you chat to your co-workers, because you unconsciously believe if you can't meet anyone at work then you'll be left a lonely reject. Of course, you've got many more ways to meet people than that. You won't actually lose out on that much if you don't click with a few folks at the office.

"Your status and value comes from your talents and hobbies"

In high school students can be known and admired for being a good athlete, artist, musician, and so on. Kids and teenagers tend to derive a sense of identity and self-esteem from what they're interested in and skilled at. They can believe they don't have anything going for them if they're not obviously good at, say, drawing or cross country running like some of their classmates are.

After graduating someone can hold onto this mindset and believe they have nothing to offer socially because they don't have a clear "hook" in the form of a talent or hobby. They can get down on themselves for being plain and boring, when they're perfectly appealing, typical people. They may not have one big interest that defines them, but adults evaluate each other in more nuanced ways. They realize someone can have lots of things to bring to a friendship other than "He's really good at playing the drums."

"It's important to be liked by the popular kids" / "Your value is determined by how the popular kids see you"

I know not every student is obsessed with being accepted by the popular kids, like they're in some stereotypical high school movie or TV show. However, even people who don't consciously care about hanging out with the in-crowd can still absorb messages about popularity without realizing it. On the surface they may reject that stuff, but deeper down they can feel like they don't measure up.

As an adult someone's self-esteem may take a hit if they're not literally accepted by whatever the older version of the popular group is in their area. They may even feel insecure if they believe they're not living in a way those kinds of people would approve of ("I played board games this weekend. Ugh, that's so lame of me.") they may fret about being included in the popular-seeming groups at their job or within their hobby circles, and think their social lives will be over if they're not accepted by them.

As an adult your social success doesn't live or die based on what the supposed popular kids think of you. (It wasn't technically the be-all-and-end-all in high school either, though it could sure feel like it was.) If you don't click with the "popular" people as an adult you have plenty of other ways to put together a satisfying social life for yourself. Yeah, it may be nice and open some doors if you get in with a certain high-status clique, but you don't truly need them.

"Drinking and partying give you value"

This is another message that not every student consciously buys into, but it can still sink in and influence them under the hood.

In high school students can gain cachet for drinking and partying. Some will see them as being more mature, adventurous, and fun. People who don't want to drink or do drugs might be viewed as boring, timid, good goodies. Like I said, how strong this attitude is varies from school to school. Some students are lucky enough not to be exposed to it much.

Of those who are, as adults they can believe something's wrong with them if they're still not into getting drunk or spending all night clubbing. They can feel like they have to somehow force themselves to enjoy those activities. Of course, as an adult it's completely possible to have a social life that doesn't revolve around alcohol or the nightlife.

"Being edgy and rebellious gives you value"

In high school some kids get status or popularity by breaking rules, being rude to teachers, doing drugs, committing petty crimes, and whatnot. As you're growing up there's an urge to seem mature, which can be conflated with taking risks, upsetting grown ups, and not being a naive, scared, rule follower.

Like with the point above, as an adult you can hold onto a sense you're a weak loser if you don't want to do that kind of stuff, or find it uncomfortable and intimidating. The good news is you don't have to. There are lots of fellow less-edgy people out there to be friends with. Also, as people mature they don't glorify petty rebelliousness for its own sake as much.

"Being into dorky stuff is bad"

The culture has changed and things like video games, board games, and anime are more mainstream and accepted these days, but there can still be a sense in high school that some hobbies are associated with higher status than others. Certain classically dorky interests haven't completely lost their stigma, even if they're come a long way. The students who seem really into them can still be judged, rejected, or excluded.

As adults people can be hard on themselves for having supposedly lame hobbies. A part of their mind still feels like the world is judging them for not being into the "right" things, and that it's going to cost them socially. However, as an adult you have way more opportunities to find your tribe, and be into whatever you want. Yeah, some closed-minded types will still look down on you for having particular hobbies, but you don't need their approval.

What can you do if you realize you're still operating under a high school mindset? Sometimes just becoming aware of what's happening is enough. The beliefs could affect you while they were unconscious and unquestioned, but once you bring them out into the open they fall apart. At other times you may logically realize that the adult world doesn't work like some aspect of high school, but on an emotional level it still seems like it does. In these cases the beliefs may be tied to unresolved, upsetting experiences from your teen years. These articles go into more detail about how to address that:

Why You Should Process The Upsetting Memories That Fuel Your Social Anxiety And Insecurities

How To Emotionally Process The Upsetting Memories That Fuel Your Social Anxiety And Insecurities