When You Irrationally Believe It's Too Late For You To Make Friends
Some people who didn't have much of a social life in high school or university worry it's too late for them to make friends now that they're older. That's simply not true. Yeah, it can be harder to make friends as an adult compared to when you were in school surrounded by people your age, but it's still totally possible. There are people who form new social circles their eighties. I go into more detail about why the window is always open in this article.
Many people who fear it's too late for them to have a fulfilling social life can be reassured easily enough. They just need someone to point out all the ways they can still meet people, or give them examples of older folks who built a new network from scratch. However, some of those who worry they've missed the social boat hold that belief in a more intense, irrational way. Even though they're a typical person with no special obstacles in their way, it feels deeply true that their chance to make friends has passed them by, and that they're going to be lonely and miserable forever. Logical reassurances either don't sink in, or only make them feel better for a little while. No matter how many times you tell them, "Come on, what are you talking about? Of course you can still make friends when you're over twenty five", on an emotional level it still feels real to them that their social life is a lost cause.
Why people can develop such an unshakeable sense it's too late for them
I think anyone who's a social late bloomer can start to feel like it's too late to turn things around for a couple of reasons:
- They might have gotten messages, from people they know and through the media, that it's difficult or impossible to make friends when you're older - Maybe growing up their Dad told them how he never made any friends as an adult, and that he feels lucky he's still close to the group he met in middle school.
- When you're younger your life tends to be parceled out for you in 3-4 year increments - middle school years, high school years, maybe some university years - and you can slip into a mentality where you think, "If I don't accomplish certain things by the time I'm done here, I'll have missed my chance." - Like a high schooler may come to assume, "If graduation rolls around I still haven't figured out how to make friends I'll be so far behind there's no way I can recover." They don't have the perspective or life experience to know that's not the case.
Though like I said, most people who develop the belief it's too late for them can be talked out of it quickly enough. They unconsciously took it on when they were younger and didn't know any better, but once someone points out to them that it's clearly not true, they can let it go.
A minority, who've lived the same broad childhood of being shy, awkward, not fitting in, and being picked on, pick up the belief but can't drop it as easily. Here are some possible reasons why:
- They have a more anxious, neurotic temperament, and therefore a tendency to develop irrational fears and worry about worst case scenarios - Some anxious people's life experiences will lead them to constantly fret about catching a horrible illness or getting trapped in an elevator. Others will get off to a slow start socially, and then have their brain latch onto the idea that they've crossed a point of no return and will die sad and alone.
- Growing up they got lots of messages, explicit and implied, in the vein of, "If you don't accomplish X, by Y age, it's never going to happen" - It's not just being told a social life can fall out of reach after a certain age, but that many goals have a deadline. Like their parents may have gone on and on about, "If you don't land a good job right after college your career is dead in the water" or "If you haven't met someone by the time you're thirty you'll never get married." It doesn't matter if these life lessons aren't true, it's that they were repeated over and over from a young age. That idea of "If you can't achieve something in the allotted timeframe you're totally screwed" was deeply absorbed into their worldview.
- They really did lose out on a legitimate time-gated opportunity as a kid, and the pain of that is still with them - For example, they didn't make it into a competitive arts school because they hadn't been practicing their craft since they were a toddler. At the time they felt inadequate and like their dream had died, and they never properly dealt with those tough feelings. When faced with another situation where they think they've missed their chance, those old defeated, dejected emotions come back and skew the way they see things.
- They have learned helplessness - Growing up life has instilled in them a sense of, "Bad things are going to happen to you, and you can't do anything about them, so don't even bother trying. In fact if you attempt to resist it's going to go even worse for you." Maybe they had abusive parents, or an uncomfortable medical condition that didn't respond to treatment. Now as a young adult they're not happy with their social life, but instead of trying to take charge and meet people, that old sense of helplessness kicks in, and they stay trapped in the mindset that there's nothing they can do to improve their circumstances.
- They have deeper attachment wounds - They didn't properly bond with their parents, either in a blatant way or a more subtle one. At a core level they believe, "I missed my chance to connect with my parents and be loved and accepted by them, and it's too late for me to change that." Later in life the idea of it being too late to make friends activates that baggage, and triggers this old scary, hopeless sense of, "I've missed this window too. I'll never get the connection I need in life!"
- They're on the autism spectrum and tend to take the things they've been told at face value, and to hold onto their ideas in a rigid way - In the past they heard it's impossible to make friends when you're older and their mind has trouble letting it go, even when they've been given new, more accurate information. They're mentally stuck on thoughts like, "But my classmate in high school told me that after college everyone has already formed their social circles and aren't open to meeting anyone else. Why would they tell me that if it wasn't true?"
- They have other fears around trying to make friends, and a belief that it's too late is an unconscious excuse for not getting out there - They actually fear rejection, or maybe the discomfort of awkward moments, and telling themselves, "It's a lost cause, there's no point in trying" is a solid sounding reason not to put themselves in scary situations. If you try to talk them out of their view they'll double down, because they're afraid of losing their rationale for avoiding their fears. Sometimes what they're most frightened of is the uncertainty about whether they'll be able to create a social life, and in a weird way it feels like the lesser of two evils to declare it's just never going to happen, and stay in that familiar, comfortable, controllable flavor of unhappiness.
- They've built an identity and sense of community around being lonely forever - This happens more often with people who think they'll never be able to get into a romantic or sexual relationship, but it can also occur for someone who thinks they'll never make friends. Even if it's an unpleasant one, it can feel scary to give up your identity. Someone may not have any closer real-life buddies, but still feel like part of a looser online community that posts about how lonely and friendless they are. That can feel better than nothing. They may see giving it up as plunging them into a No Man's Land where they don't have any real world friends, but they've also left behind their online connections.
What can you do if you can't shake your stubborn belief that it's too late for you to make friends?
I've already said that more reassurance usually doesn't help people with this issue. That can be maddening for anyone trying to make them feel better, because from an outsider's perspective it seems incredibly obvious that it's possible for someone to have a social life after college. But the person with the irrational belief just can't accept it.
Here are some things that can make a difference, even if it takes some time and effort for that hopeless, worried headspace to shift:
- Commit to acting against your belief and keep trying to make friends, even if it still feels very true and upsetting - You may not be able to shake the sense of it being too late right away, but you can act in spite of it rather than giving up prematurely. As you try to meet people your emotions may be screaming at you that your efforts are pointless and that you're setting yourself up for disappointment, but you can learn to tolerate that discomfort and still go after the life you want. Even if you hit some setbacks, like going to a dud event where you don't meet anyone or having a co-worker turn down your coffee invite, keep at it. Things like that can happen to anyone trying to make friends, and aren't Final Confirmation that it's never, ever going to happen for you. Sooner or later you will make some friends, and get proof your fears were false all along.
- Think about what you're afraid would happen if you gave up your belief it's too late - For example, you may realize you're worried that, "If I try to make friends and get rejected, that will feel way worse than feeling sad about how it's not even possible." Sometimes when a hidden fear or motivation is brought into the light it withers away. Though at other times you simply become more logically aware of it, but it still scares you and you have to make an effort to work around it.
- Do some deeper work with the parts of you which believe it's too late - You may be able to do this on your own, or might need the support of a therapist. There could be earlier times in your life where you really felt it was too late to connect with people, and you never fully worked through and healed the painful feelings you had at the time. There are parts of your mind that are still holding onto that unprocessed difficult emotion, and warping your hopes of building a social life as an adult. You can get in touch with those younger-feeling parts and finally let go of that old pain, and then be able to see your current social predicament in a more realistic, optimistic way.
- Work through any grief you have about missing out on easier times in life to make friends - It might not be the most intense type of grief, but you may still feel a sense of loss about not being able to cash in on the chance to meet a bunch of people in high school or university. You may feel down that you lost out on an alternative timeline where you were able to form a fun, supportive social circle. Those are another set of feelings that can cloud the way you see your future. If you give yourself time to mourn what you missed out on, to let yourself feel and release your emotions, you can come to a place where you accept what you missed out on, but are also ready to move forward, with a more grounded sense of what's possible.
