It's Okay To Skip Some Chances To Work On Your Social Skills

If you struggle socially it's important to work on your issues in real life. It's usually not enough to just hang around inside analyzing yourself or reading or listening to advice on the topic. You could go to get togethers where you can practice your conversation skills, or put yourself in situations where you can face your fears and insecurities. Depending on how far behind you are, you may need to get a fair amount of real world experience before you feel caught up.

People with social issues often grapple with fear, apathy, or ambivalence around trying to overcome their problems. A side of them may want to go rack up those conversation reps, but another part is nervous about the whole idea, or just finds it tedious. It's easy to make excuses and put off a chance to get out there. If you're trying to improve you need to be wary of that inner voice that wants you to avoid anything too uncomfortable. You have to be able to acknowledge it wants you to stay home, then still go do what you have to do.

So yeah, consistent practice is important. Avoidance won't help you in the long run. You probably already know all that. If you're learning how to improve your people skills you can get that message drilled into your head from every angle.

However, sometimes people absorb this idea a bit too strongly, and believe they should never, ever turn down an opportunity to work on their communication skills or anxiety, and that if they do they're being weak, lazy, and cowardly.

They'll learn of a chance to practice their people skills, and something about it will be really inconvenient or unappealing. Maybe they've been invited to drive three hours out of town to take part in an activity they have zero interest in. They're 99% sure they won't have a good time. Their understandable first instinct is not to go, but then they'll start to second guess and beat themselves up - "I really should be saying 'yes' to more things, right? I need all the experience I can get. Am I just being avoidant and looking for excuses not to work on myself? Does the fact I don't want to go mean I'm scared, and a sign I should push myself extra-hard to show up? Ugh, being unsure like this shows how uncommitted I am. I can't do anything right." This can be a part of a larger pattern of doubting and being hard on themselves.

If you know you're prone to coming up with excuses to avoid the things that scare you, it's reasonable to question your initial reaction to social opportunities. It's alright to get into the habit of asking, "Wait, can I really not do that, or is it my anxiety looking for an escape hatch?" Sometimes you'll realize it's just your nerves talking, and that it's best to gently push yourself to go anyway.

At the same time, it's okay to turn some things down. You don't need to be practicing 24/7. Saying "no" to something you really don't want to go to doesn't automatically mean you're a weak, unmotivated failure that's ruining your personal growth. As long as you're getting enough practice over the long run you'll improve. You don't need to go to every last get together you hear about.

It's definitely okay to skip events you're sure you won't enjoy, even once you've factored in that your anxiety or insecurities may be warping your perspective. There's also nothing wrong with taking a pass on hang outs that are too inconvenient or expensive to attend. It's also okay to miss some opportunities that may not be particularly annoying or out of the way, but you're just tired that day, or want a quiet evening in, or the activity isn't totally your cup of tea.

I hope just reading that you have permission not to go to everything takes some pressure off, and helps you approach your social progress in a more balanced, relaxed way.

Again, for any one chance to practice it can still make sense to question your first instinct about whether to attend or not. It's alright if you can't decide right away, and feel some inner tension as you go back and forth over what to do. But if you decide not to go, then try to trust that you made the right choice, and that one skipped event won't trash your social development. If you have any lingering doubts try to sit with that discomfort, and realize that the feeling alone can't do much. Even if you did end up turning down an amazing, fun practice opportunity, there will always be more.