Feeling Like You Have A Fundamentally Unappealing Personality

A deep social insecurity some people have is they feel like their personalities are unattractive at a core level. They've developed this belief because their life experience seems to support it:

I'll give my thoughts on the issue, from a mix of angles: The role insecurities play, what traits can lead to rejection and this belief, whether I think it's possible to come into this world with a legitimately unattractive personality, and what you can do if you feel you have one.

Are their insecurities making people see themselves as being less accepted than they actually are?

One explanation is that people who think their personalities are intrinsically undesirable falsely perceive themselves as being more unappealing than they really are. They did have some painful, memorable early experiences of being disliked, and that created a distorted mental lens they've viewed the rest of their lives through. They're quick to notice all the moments when people seem to hate them, because that confirms their preexisting view. At the same time, they overlook or explain away any moments where someone makes a friendly or supportive gesture, because their mind can't believe that's possible.

In some cases this may totally describe what's going on. Someone could be as likable as the next person (i.e., some people are drawn to them and others aren't), but their baggage blocks them from seeing that. However, people who suspect they're inherently unappealing will often say, "I admit my insecurities may skew the way I look at things, but I know the issue isn't entirely in my head. I've been getting these reactions from people my whole life. I'm not just imagining it all."

Factors that can lead to someone feeling they're fundamentally socially unattractive

There are some inborn traits and life experiences that can lead to early and ongoing social rejection and disapproval, that can instill a belief of being deeply off putting. To be clear, these factors don't mean someone truly is unlikable, just that they can lead to a childhood where that seems to be true to them.

Early upsetting, difficult, traumatic events

I don't need to cover all the awful things that can happen to someone when they're young. Suffice to say that once a child's been through that kind of psychological shock they may develop traits such as:

It's not their fault their trauma had this effect on them, but the behaviors they go onto to display still sabotage them. From an early age all they know is that no one seems to react well to them.

Being neurodiverse

Some well known types of neurodiversity are being on the autism spectrum, ADHD, or having a learning disability (in the American use of the term - someone who has trouble learning in specific ways, but their overall intelligence is average or above). It could also include being born with a tendency to feel emotions like anger or shame much more easily and intensely. However their wiring is different, they can also have traits that lead to being excluded or misunderstood:

Again, there's nothing inherently unlikable or broken about someone whose mind works differently. It's not their fault if they grew up in an environment where, say, no one knew how to support a person with autism. Still, that doesn't change the effect it can have on someone's self-image. Some neurodiverse people will tell you, "My whole life whenever I try to talk to people I can just tell they're quickly put off by me, even if I try to mask and seem 'normal'. Before I even say anything they can already see my body language is different, and their walls go up. Then I start talking and they hear my tone of voice, and they're not into that either. I try to make friendly conversation, but I can see it's not winning them over, and that they're waiting for a chance to leave."

Once more, they know this isn't all in their head. They've gotten poor reactions time after time. All those rejections, blatant and subtle, really add up. On one level they may be able to tell themselves, "Not everyone may understand me, but my neurodiversity doesn't make me a bad person." On another, more emotional level they may think, "I just seem to be unacceptable to others at my core. I don't seem meant to have meaningful relationships like other people do."

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Being really unique in a way that doesn't fit their environment

Some children are unusually artsy, quirky, empathetic, or technically minded, among many other things. In some settings these traits may be accepted or embraced. In other places they may be the odd one out, and seen as "weird" or "boring" or "weak". Seemingly every other kid at their school just wants to play sports, with the approval of all the adults, while they want to study poetry. They're treated awfully and it's constantly driven into their head that no one could ever like them the way they naturally are.

As they grow up they may escape their narrow minded childhood environment, and finally find their tribe. But they may not. Even as an adult they may still be dogged by a sense that they don't quite fit in anywhere, that they're unique to such a degree that no one really wants to get closer to them.

Prejudice

Some kids unfortunately grow up in circumstances where they're constantly misunderstood and mistreated because of their race, religion, sexual orientation, social class, and so on. If they're lucky there will be other factors to help balance out the discrimination and give them a sense of self-esteem and belonging (e.g. supportive adults telling them the bigots are wrong). However, if they don't get that, all the abuse can eat away at them and contribute to a feeling of being fundamentally unlikable and unwanted.

Pure bad luck

On occasion a child will be ordinary and unremarkable, but for some arbitrary reason they get singled out as the school's scapegoat and punching bag. They're just another kid on paper, but they're treated like a pariah grade after grade, and they internalize that there must be something truly wrong with them.

The behaviors that appear after long-term rejection

When someone's been looked down on, left out, or teased and bullied for years that's clearly going to affect them. In a cruel, unfair twist, they can then start acting in ways, consciously or not, that lead to even more rejection, and strengthen their sense that everything about them is off putting. As just a handful of examples, they might start acting:

So do some people truly have intrinsically unappealing personalities?

Why am I even addressing this question? Shouldn't I just be positive and write, "No, no one is unlikable at their core. Everyone has positive qualities, which will appear if they're in a nurturing environment. Someone may have had some rough experiences as a kid that led them to think they're unlovable, but if they keep at it as adults they'll be able to find friends and acceptance"?

The thing is some of the people who feel inherently unattractive want an honest answer to the question. It feels dismissive and falsely sunny to say no one could ever be completely socially radioactive. Their own life experience sure seems to confirm at least some people can be like that. For whatever it's worth, here's what I think:

I do believe insecurities and random unfair rejection make many people think they're less appealing than they actually are

I had to say it, even if it seems like I'm trying to deny the problem exists. On to the next point.

I believe some small fraction of people can be born with natural differences and tendencies that make them unattractive, to one degree or another, to the vast majority of the population

That doesn't mean they're bad down to their roots. It doesn't mean their traits are horribly unpleasant or objectively repulsive. It's simply that what they have to offer isn't what most people are looking for. They fall outside the statistical norm. There are folks out there who would like and accept them, but they're spread thin.

I believe due to unrelated traumas, and direct social rejection, people can develop traits that the most everyone they meet will find off putting

As I've said already, this isn't their fault. I also realize these aren't inherent, inborn traits, but ones that they unwillingly develop early in life. Practically speaking, these behavior patterns can appear at such a young age that they lead to a life where all someone knows is being rejected. Trauma responses can also be so ingrained that they feel like someone's true personality, even if that's not technically what's going on.

I'm sure it's super rare, but I'm open to the possibility that a tiny number of people have truly unlikable personalities

I believe in most cases if you want to argue that someone is "unappealing" it's because they're unique and a poor match for others, or that they've sadly picked up some prickly traits due to their difficult upbringing. However, there are billions of people on the planet. I can't think of any examples, but I can't rule out that some miniscule fraction of them might have ornery, disagreeable personalities coded into their genes, and no amount of loving parenting, a supportive, accepting school environment, or communication skills training is going to change that. Though I think the odds that you, the reader, are in this category are essentially zero.

What can you do if you suspect you're less naturally socially appealing, for one reason or another?

I wrote this article mainly to explore an idea, and validate that the people who feel like they're inherently unlikable aren't crazy or alone for thinking this way. So I don't have pages and pages of possible solutions, though here are some quicker points that will hopefully help: