Some People Just Get Unlucky At Meeting Friends

Some people are plugging away at trying to make friends and aren't having much success. They put themselves out there by joining classes or going to drop-in events. They strike up conversations, and try to organize hang outs with the folks they get along with. They make an effort to be reasonably likable.

Despite all that, things aren't panning out. They may not meet many people they click with. If they do get along with someone and try to develop a closer friendship, they're turned down or only hang out a few times before the budding relationship peters out. They might have started a new job or class with several other people, and in a few weeks have watched their cohort all find a social circle, while they're still alone.

They've worked to identify any weaknesses, blindspots, or outside factors that may be interfering with the process. Are they not trying hard enough? Are they going to the wrong venues? Are they being too negative and picky about everyone? Are they unintentionally coming across as desperate or off-putting? Is there some subtle way the people they're meeting are biased against them?

After considering these questions, and maybe getting some outside feedback, they may have to conclude they truly aren't doing anything wrong. They're following all the usual time tested steps for making friends. Their personality, confidence, and social skills are fine, certainly no worse than plenty of other people who already have a social life.

They may then ask themselves, "Am I just unlucky? Am I doing everything I'm supposed to do, but the odds just haven't been in my favor so far?"

It's hard to know what's going on in any one case, but I do think some people can simply be unlucky while trying to make friends, and so take longer than they'd like to find their crowd.

Counselors who help clients with their social lives have seen this firsthand. They'll work with some lonely people, and it's clear certain factors are hindering their ability to make friends. They're really shy, or they never leave their house, or they need to practice their conversation skills more, and so on. It doesn't mean they're bad people. They just have areas that could use some polish. Then they'll have clients who are perfectly likable and already putting in the effort, but they still can't seem to make anything happen. They may have some small weaknesses, like we all do, but nothing that should be a dealbreaker. After working with them on the issue for a while and failing to rule out other causes, the therapist has to conclude these clients are just down on their luck.

Statistically, bad luck with meeting new friends has to happen to some of us. Some people join one rec league and meet a bunch of lifelong buddies. They strike it rich on their first pull of the slot machine. Others go to meet up after meet up, or class after class, and nothing goes their way.

What can you do if you think you're just unlucky at making friends?

It's an unsatisfying answer, especially if you've already dealt with months or years or loneliness and frustration, but you just have to keep at it. If you're reasonably sure you've got all the pieces in place to make friends, then you just have to keep rolling the dice and wait for your luck to turn around. Hopefully realizing you're unlucky, and not doing anything terribly wrong, will be reassuring and validating, even if you'd still like your loneliness to end yesterday.

Even if they have the potential to make friends, some people do have tougher odds. Their personality and interests may make them compatible with fewer individuals. Their circumstances may be unfavorable. For example, they may live in a small, dull town where there isn't as much to do, and a good chunk of the population is prejudiced against someone like them. However, tougher doesn't equal impossible. Rolling a 1 on a 20-sided die is harder than on a 6-sided die, but if you keep tossing one it will happen eventually.

A common quote is that "Luck is when preparation meets opportunity". Regarding Preparation, on one hand you could say you've already got enough going for you to make friends. You're already fairly personable, and you don't need to have top tier charisma just have a few buddies. At the same time, if there are little things you can do to continue to improve and make yourself more appealing to the people you meet, by all means do them. Maybe you could gain a bit more confidence, so you feel comfortable introducing yourself to more types of people. Or it might be that you're hardly the most negative person on the planet, but you still have a tendency to complain, and could work to be more positive.

As for Opportunity, is there anything you could be doing to give yourself more rolls of the dice? Can you sign up for an extra class, or go to more meet ups, or talk to an extra person or two at each one you go to? If you've been pursuing one strategy for meeting people and it's getting stale, could you switch it up? I get that no one can go out ten times a week. I also understand that putting a lot of time and energy into making friends can feel like a grind after a while. You do have to balance it out with other ways of spending your time. Still, are there any small ways you could give yourself more opportunities, even for a short while?